Last Chapter

Can’t help myself but feeling blessed.

Have you called your love on today ?
your mother, your father, your brother, your sister.
Pls remember
you won’t be there without them.
A family is a place you could always come back to.
And I’m truly blessed to have my family…
Even though I can’t meet them right now… I know their prayer always been by my side…

Umur siapa yang tau ? Kita ga pernah tau kapan,siapa,di mana,bagaimana seseorang di panggil ke Rahmatullah. Mungkin aku, mungkin kamu..
Who knows ?

Yang paling dekat itu kematian

Yep.
That’s right.
Before you can’t see someone anymore..
why don’t you show them how you love them ?
What’s pride when your pride took your chances ?
I miss my family like crazy right now. To think how blessed I am having those two as my parents.
Feeling like trash can’t make them happier and staying by their side 24/7.

So I pray and pray and pray
2 4 7 3 6 5
To meet them again in Jannah one day.
So I could do what I should do as a daughter.
Staying by their side and taking care of them.
Mom, Dad.
I love you two so much.
I miss you two so much it could rip my heart apart.

May Rahmatan Illaih always be with you two.
Please stay healthy.
So I could meet you again. Soon.

Being Brave

Yea… I know aku bilang bakal off untuk sementara. Tapi I do have an urge to write this. Hahahhaa..

To tell you the truth, these past 2 weeks a lot of things changed in my life, and it’s still changing. I’ve met a lot of wonderful people, a lot of strong, brave people. Never had I thought I would be so small being compared to a 7 year old boy as for the braveness.

 

So.. kemarin nemenin mbak *L** ke kemoterapi. She suffered from a breast cancer. I told you, she’s a healthy woman. Barusan aja nyelesaikan S2, baru aja settled down sama keluarganya di Jogja, dan ternyata terdiagnosis ca. mammae. FYI, she has a daughter, 3 years old. Singkat cerita aku nemenin mb L beberapa kali ke bagian radioterapi di RS *piip* beberapa hari. Aku kaget, jujur aja.. banyak banget yang mesti kemo. Aku banyak belajar mengenai sifat selama di ruang tunggu.

Mereka yang kena kanker dan sedang menjalani perawatan menanggapi keadaan mereka sesuai coupnya masing-masing. Ada yang diem aja keliatan banget depresi, sedih. Ada yang ngelamun sambil mainin jari, ada yang cemas aku ngeluarin HP di ruang tunggu (yang notabene jauh dari ruang radiasi) trus ngingetin buat matikan HP, ada yang jalan, ada yg di kursi roda, ada yang sendirian, ada yang berdua ditemani suami/istrinya, ada yang bersedih dan ada yang tertawa seperti biasa. Pasien-pasien ini bertukar sapa, memperkenalkan diri dengan cara “Linac / Cobalt ? Kemo ke berapa? Kanker apa ?” dan mereka bertukar cerita mengenai bertahan hidup dan bertahan melawan chemotherapy yg mereka jalani.

Apa ya…

I feel out of place di situ.

Pas lagi feel out of place gitu ada 3 orang dokter muda (koass) lewat depan pasien-pasien… dengan jas putihnya berkibar jalan aja ga pake senyum ke pasien.

Trus dalam hati misuh, “sok bener sih mahasiswa kedokteran ini”

….

Trus … jadi mikir.

 

Did I do that too ?

Oke out of topic, balik lagi. Yang aku mau certain adalah si Nauval. Anak ini umurnya 7 tahun, chemo ke 24xnya kanker otak (sori, ga tega nanya lebih jauh). Dia sendirian datengin aku sama anaknya Mbak L yang lagi main game waktu itu.

 

“main apa sih ? Boleh ikutan ga ?“

 

Absolutely yes  dear ! >> pengen teriak gini ceritanya. Bapaknya lagi ke gedung lain ngurus BPJS. Asik aja kita bertiga main di situ, waktu ada perawat manggil namanya,

 

“mbak, aku suntik dulu ya…”, Nauval ngomong gitu sambil jalan ke masuk ke ruang radiotherapy.

Call me lebay; but it needs a load of braveness to being like him. Suffering a brain tumor (or cancer, I don’t know, but it needs chemo, so might be cancer). Seorang anak kecil,usia 7 tahun ga sekolah beberapa bulan karena harus chemo tiap hari, rambut rontok, gigi rusak, kulit terbakar di bagian yang dichemo,pusing, mual, muntah pasca chemo, belum obat-obatan yg harus diminum.

 Mbak L sempet cerita beberapa kali masalah ketakutannya tentang rambut rontok sementara jabatannya di TNI AU yg belum ada aturannya mengenai jilbab (beda ama polri) dan harus wisuda akhir tahun ini, penampilan pasca operasinya, apa bisa dioperasi atau nggak, mungkin gak dia punya anak lagi apa nggak, apa kankernya bakal balik lagi,.. all those fear. Uneasiness a child like Nauval has to bear it.

AND HEY ! It’s not a special case. A lot of them is out there…

 

What I want to say is..

Bersyukurlah kita diberi sehat. Gimana ? Ya di jaga ! Sehat itu amanah, selama sehat masih diamanahkan sama kita….apa salahnya kita melakukan yang terbaik.

Salut buat mereka yang bertahan dengan situasi sulit seperti kanker, sakit terminal, cacat irreversibel semuanya lah.. ak banyak belajar dari mereka. Belajar ttg keberanian terutama, kesabaran, keikhlasan,.Semoga mereka semua selalu dalam lindungan Allah S.W.T, semoga diberi kemudahan dan kekuatan dalam menjalani ujian mereka masing-masing. amin.

 

WOKEH ! Belajar MCQ lagi fellas. Hahahaa…

I’ll find a way

Besok MCQ 2, iya tau. Belum blajar sama sekali, iya tau. Yaudah sih. I need something to be done here.

So I’m trying to explain my vision, my dream, to him. But unfortunately… yeah.. not good.

It’s..disheartening., when someone precious to you..can’t accept what your dream is.
Am I an egoist person ?? But never in my life I’ve got so excited over an idea. Being in the frontline where you may do what your job and your passion at the same time.
Wasn’t it a sign, when someone that you respect so much is actually having the same dream with you ?? Isn’t it a sign when  someone who’s within your reach, is actually already achieving your dream and may open your way there ??

Mbak des once asks me, what’s my real passion is,
and now after 2 years being asked, nope.. 20 years I’ve lived.. I’ve now know what I really want to do with my life.
My passion.

WHY.

Won’t he accept it ?? It’s not like I need his permission..
But it is disheartening..

When you know what you want, but it’s not in the same path with your loved one (?)

Sakit bung, disuruh menyerah sblm mncba. Apalagi buat ssuatu yg bener2 kmu mau, suka, dan sanggup melakukannya.

Don’t make me choose. I’m bad at chosing.
Experience told me to follow my heart. Didn’t follow it once., and regrets come afterwards.

“Here!!!”, told my heart
“Nooooo.. bla bla bla”, said the brain

“F*ck off”, I’ll say. Next time.

Hey !!

After 4 days suffering from pharyngitos+ tonsilitis gatau dr mana yg smpe skrng teori mama blg krn duri nancep.. pdhal nggak ad duri sm skali (makasih dok udh njelasin ke mama)
Being cuddled inside everyone hugs.. hahahaa..
Afteral,,

Family first

, is the one and only priority I’ve ever need.

Thks mom, dad, for remind me what’s important and what’s less important.
I wish I could be like you two. 🙂

23:47

Lagi2..
Aku mmpertnyakan keputusanku.
Memprtnyakan tindakanku.

For the first time. I wish  I could go back and change one of my decision.

No matter what I do, there will always be somebody who’s hurt. I choose it to be me. But…still I can’t stop myself from hurting you.

Maaf…

Yogyakarta, 5/4/14

that awful scribble in a better encasement.